Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's Been a Dry Coupla Seasons

How I miss my husband. Back in the day, way, way, back in the day, we used to be good friends, and man, did we have fun together. We'd go hiking, camping, climbing. We'd do crosswords together stretched across the living room floor, read the paper together on Saturday mornings, mix each other dirty martinis, with 7 olives each, go dancing at least once a week and drink jugs and jugs of sweet, tangy Sangria, and have crazy foreign film festivals in the bedroom, eating Chinese, Vietnamese, or German take-out on top of the blankets.  

And we had sex. Did we have sex! Mad, delicious, breathtaking sex. On the covers, under the covers, standing up, sitting down, in the shower, in the bath, the kitchen, the basement, the living room floor with the curtains open. Once, twice, and during the film festivals, sometimes five times a day. Just watching him walk, seeing his legs or back or stomach made my heart (and parts somewhat lower) clench and ache. I wanted to touch him all the time. Even doing the dishes together was sexy. The promise of wet hands and soft soapy bubbles.......

Now? Yeah. Now. Not so much. 

Now? It's been a dry coupla seasons. The closest I get to spending any of the precious time we used to have together is watching him hike a screaming preschooler to her room for a time-out, or seeing him cornered at the kitchen table doing math homework, or when he's downing a cup of scalding coffee before running the next kid to the next lesson. And film festivals? At best, it's Finding Nemo with take-out pizza, and 5 twitchy kids. I only catch a glimpse of my still sexy husband as he's carrying a load of laundry downstairs, or reading a bedtime story, or drying off some little, chubby body, that's not his own (damn, damn, double-damn! Toweling off was always one of my favorite spectator sports!) 

And as far as sex, were lucky if we get to do the silent, three-minute bump-and-grind once a month. Under the covers. In the dark. And way, way past bedtime. Now, I know what you're thinking! It's pretty shocking. I can hardly believe it myself....we're SILENT! 

Absolutely silent sex. No heaving, heavy breathing. No gasping, panting, swearing, imploring, or grunting. Just tight-lipped silence. In fact, I think we might both hold our breath the entire time (we may not get a lot of exercise, but these monthly trysts are certainly increasing my lung capacity). We bonk in fear that, 1. the kids will hear, and 2. the kids will hear and subsequently wake up and ruin what might be an adequate nights sleep! And as any sane mother knows, sleep before sex, sleep before sex!!

I just wanna throw off the shackles of motherhood (and throw the shackles on my husbands wrists). The damn kids not only took my body, took my time, and took my money, they took my groove thing!!

So, I'm going to employ a tactic I've noticed has worked very effectively for my children. When in a particularly sensitive location, like, a parent-teacher interview or the Christmas concert or a birthday party at McDonald's, for instance, I'm going to have a world-class, eardrum-shattering tantrum:


I'll let you know how it works for me. And if you happen to find yourself in the same locale as me when I am implementing my plan, please, for my sake, and the sake of all of us, and your future ability to get jiggy with it, join in. Our future sex lives depend upon it!


Advizor said...

You've got to get your groove back. I've got three little ones, well, not so little at 12, 9, and 3. There are several solutions to your dilemma...

1 - Lock the door. It takes the "surprise" factor away, and give you a few seconds to get dressed if someone knocks.

2 - Get a babysitter! You hire the girls next door to watch the kiddies for 2 hours while you, "Go to Dinner." Once outside the door you drive to the nearest secluded spot and hump like bunnies in the backseat.

3 - Playdates! Get them out of the house and drop them at a friend's house. While you are dropping kids, he is dropping clothes, lighting candles, charging vibrators, and getting out the shackles.

4 - Sex Swaps. When we were a young couple, living in an apartment, we would have "Sex Swaps" with our other married friends. They would come over and take our kids for a walk in the evening. 30 minutes was the max time limit. As the door closes she'd drop to her knees and the games would begin. We had 25 minutes (5 to clean-up), to hump, boink, suck, blow, lick, slap, tickle, tie-up, tie-down, and make each other all hot an bothered. One incredible side-effect was that our friends knew that we were having sex. They knew that as they were walking around the park, watching our kids run and scream, that we were in our apartment naked and F***ing like crazy. More than once they came back and begged us to take their kids, "just for 30 minutes."

Don't loose your groove!

MotherhoodByters said...

Oh My God're my new hero! I can't wait to try the Sex Swap walk. I'll be calling a friend tonight!!

You rock!

Justice Jones said...

Wow, you guys get hot and nasty in Canada!! Thanks for visiting Mamalaw. Banff Springs was a blast!!
But back to your dilema, I have three kids and Hubby and I put the kids early (8ish) during the week which gives us at least three hours to ourselves. Plenty of time to get our groove and and sleep at a reasonable time. We also make sure to have our own "playdates." We go at least once a month and we go all out, Martinis, good food, come in late, get all dressed up, etc. I even do my nails and pluck my brows.

Good luck!

Advizor said...

I'm so glad you like the idea. You have to tell us how it goes!!!

edies' world said...

When the kids are all in school it does all come back,,, now that the last of 4 are in school fulltime, they all sleep through the night, and go to bed at decent times, so the groove does come back.. Oh and the lock on the door is the KEY!!!! I never feel scared they may walk in.. its the best thing we did,,,

edies' world said...

P.S Oh and Nooners are the best !! LOL