Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Exhaustion comes in all shapes and sizes. My source of exhaustion, I mean bone tired, can't move another muscle exhaustion, just happens to come disguised as a sweet little girl, all twenty five pounds of her. Oh my God, I don't know how I could ever have had two small children under two years old, and actually have managed.

Maybe my memory isn't that great, but truly, honestly, cross-my-heart, I never, ever, remember feeling this exhausted. By the time my first child was 20 months old, my second was five months old...I know, insanity. But for some reason, it worked, rather smoothly, and with relative order, most of the time. Now I have only one small person to contend with and I can't even seem to spend 10 consecutive minutes sitting for a meal.

It has to be something to do with age, and being too tired to really give a crap most of the time. Not like when I was in my twenties, and keeping things in control seemed to be so much more important, plus I guess I had the energy. I could hold out longer, put up with a hell of a lot more than I can now. Surprisingly, I think my patience may have been better (and really I'm not the most patient person in the world). I wanted to win then, be a really good mom, who did most things on some kind of a schedule. Now, I'm too tired to even think about planning a schedule, let alone carrying one out.

A number of my friends have had children after 35 and they all seem to concur, that the child or children they have after 35 seem to be a little more difficult to deal with. I guess if it's one's first child they don't really have anything to measure it by. It's not that I remember everything as being perfect, running smoothly all of the time. On the contrary, I was close to berserk those first three years or so, but man did I rule with an iron will, and fist.

Now my iron fist, has gotten a little fluffy and my will is waning. Mostly I'm too tired to argue too long, and frankly I can't stand the noise of it anymore. So, more often than not, I cave, I just give up. I feed my crazy child, spoonfuls of food as she zings by my chair. I don't often ensure that she has all of the food groups each day, I do my best but, mostly I am just freakin' happy that she has something in her tummy by bedtime.

Oh, my poor old body is getting tired. My arms feel like lead, my eyes are heavy by 8pm and the thought of picking up one more little disaster she has left behind makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I don't know what I was thinking. Did I really believe that running around after another small child so many years after the first would be easy? I actually, do believe I was delusional enough to think, "come on, I've done it before, how much harder could it be now?" Well it is harder, much, much harder. Now my recovery isn't as quick, a couple of sleepless nights or in my case sleepless years really does a number on you.

Everyday I look in the mirror hoping things are going to start to look up, they don't. Instead I know another day is just around the corner, and by this time again tomorrow, I'll still be as exhausted as I am today.


Nyla said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! My husband would like a fourth child...and I keep telling him NO WAY! I am happy with the three we have...and they are getting independant...and life is getting easier! My youngest is 4. So he has been pushing a little more now...because I will be 35 this year! I love my dear husband...but he has no clue how hard it is! I was almost going to give in...and go to the dark side! I needed this blog today! Thanks for bringing me back to reality! Life with multiple children is hard! Worth it, but hard! NO WAY to a 4th now! :)

MotherhoodByters said...

It's easy to get sucked in, to think that things will be easy, that you did it all before what's another child. Well that's just it, it's ANOTHER child, another person who sucks the life out of you, needs sooo much. I love that I have a big beautiful family, but frig, it is tough, and to makes things harder I am always, and I mean always tired.

It's a difficult decision to make, to have or not have another. I'm thrilled that we did of course, but to be perfectly honest, I am longing for the days when no one is threatening to poop on the floor if you leave their diaper off too long, or that if you miss nap time it won't mean an evening of disaster.

Plus I kind of want a little bit of life back for myself, crazy I know, but hope springs eternal, right??

edies' world said...

I so remember those days, when the youngest was 2-3. I had so much to do but could barely accomplish anything. Worn out exhausted that was me... Hang in there 5 is not that far away.... e