Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Good Enough

I'm a grown-up now, although it seems I'm still stumbling through some kind of childhood, trying to find my feet.  I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, nearly forty years in the making I might add, yet still I feel judged, unsure of who I am, of who everyone wants, or expects me to be.  I am what I am, I think, but unfortunately with that comes this perception by others of who and what they think I am.  Truly, I'm a rather simple person, not all that complex, I want what most others want, to feel loved, complete (as much as we can) and accepted for who I am, even when I am not sure I myself know.

My childhood, frankly sucked, it was tough, I'm sure like many others.  It has left me worried constantly that I'm not living up to it, whatever it may be.  Now my parenting, friendships, and relationships are couched in this fear, fear that I'm not good enough, smart enough or interesting enough to contribute anything of substance.

As a mother, it seems you have to live up to so much, you must be so many things, yet your world is gradually shrinking.  This is magnified even more now, because I stay home full time with my children.  I'm out of the loop, I have little to offer, in the way of new and interesting ideas.  I don't want to feel like I should be crucified or made to feel less than intelligent because I don't have an enormous world of current experience to draw from, but sadly I do.  I want to be brimming with interesting topics to engage others in, but often I am not.  Instead I have small snippets of my own life, my own experiences to share, and I hope that is enough.

I used to scoff at the idea, that one day my world would get small enough that I would become one of those women, who shared pictures or talked endlessly about her children, parenting and the other mundane issues that now surround my life.  But here I am.  This is what my life is for now.  It probably won't be like this forever, but for now it is what it is, and I'm more than okay with that.  Yes, there certainly are days when I want so much more, when I think back to the days when my life looked much differently, much more exciting, and I do long for those days. But as it sits today, my life is dirty dishes, and re-runs of Franklin the Turtle.  It might not be glamorous or world changing, but it's okay.

I complain a great deal, but I don't want or need to tout some sign that tells the world I'm angry all of the time.  Sure I get down about things, it gets lonely being a mother, a parent, a partner. That's just the reality of life, it's not unique or earth shattering, everyone feels these things. And yes, I might want to rip my hair out in frustration at being a mother, and what, that in turn, makes me in other people's eyes.  The truth is I just want to get through today, tomorrow, and hope that what comes later is good.  I don't want to buck the tide and fight against everything, I thought as a young woman I would, I'm just too damn tired.  

I'm tired of worrying whether what I have to offer the rest of the world or my own small world is enough.  Anything I have to share with others comes from me, what I know or feel, I can't offer anything more.  We give of ourselves what we can, it might seem insignificant to some, but sometimes that's all we've got, or all we're willing to give away.  

I guess for me it's a struggle, it will likely always be.  I'm slowly learning to accept myself, and all that I am, and hopefully not only for my sake, but for those who choose to share their lives with me, that will be enough. 

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